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And one day i just thought 'The time has come, the Walrus said' (which is from The Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll.)
It didn't make everything perfect over night, but I moved out, cut the friendship dead, (thus changing it forever), and promised myself to always be aware that though working at things is important, sometime Enough is Enough.
This has held me in good stead, and since then has given me the courage to get out of a career that was slowly eatting me alive, and actually ask for help when I need it.
i see now it's the first step to fixing things. whatever they maybe. It is a promise to change things, no matter how impossible that may seem at the time.
I not too long ago turned 40 and realized that the goal I'd set of getting out of corporate marketing at 35 to pursue making the world a better place had not happened because I was still waiting for that big, perfect, passionate right idea to hit me.
I was making great money, bought two houses, was in a horrendous non-relationship at work, was working and traveling to the point that I made 1K on two airlines but was convincing myself this was "fun".
So at age 41, I quit, moved to Europe, did pro-bono consulting for one of the biggest NGO's there and 1 year later am now back starting my own business putting that experience to work.
I have no idea where this will take me but I have started to realize in the process that my passion is motivating people and change.
As of today, I still have no regrets!!
At that juncture in my life, I wasn't very assertive. I was a "yes" girl. THINKING before answering and the promise to myself to not make a promise I couldn't keep helped me not only in my career but in my personal life as well: My husband and I are celebrating 27 years of wedded bliss this year. I spent 30 years in the court reporting profession and am proud to say I never missed a deadline.
Thank you Professor Derr.
Well, I have to say that I have never made a life-changing promise.That is not to say that I have aleays kept what promises i have made, because I never go out on a limb and make a commitment I can't keep. I can and will keep to myself anything anyone will tell me in confidence. For as long as that person wants me to. But I must admit I have never made a promise that has changed my life. I am very interested in hearing from everyone else..
Cécile
With myself first,getting to the real nitty gritty on my needs,boundaries, my health,family. Seeing things for what they really are and not convincing myself of different truths.
It was "a good thing" that you two in unison, made a promise and kept it. Look at how may lives you have made an impact upon. A marvelous decision that has made many happy. A true brainstorm!
Merci mille!
Cécile
For those curious about more...
I connect with Colette's answer, and I LOVE the idea of placing a ring on your oath hand to commemorate your promise, remind you of it, and give you something tangible--a wearable touchstone--to keep that promise present. I too have promised to seek out, learn about, and honor my real self--my style statement session with Danielle in January was one of my first steps in that direction. It's been a rocky road, and forced me to confront some questions that, frankly, were kind of uncomfortable--admitting what I did and did not want out of my career, owning up to what I did and did not believe in (as far as what's required in a day-to-day get-ahead-on-the-corporate-ladder world), and acting according to my beliefs and values, even if it meant jeopardizing my job (I turned in a supervisor for verbal abuse harassment). It's been scary, difficult, and immensely vital to letting ME shine through. My 80% word is Cherished--and I'm realizing that above all else I must cherish myself and my values and my real-ness (very Velveteen Rabbit, no?) in order to be the light I want to be in the world.
One day I just did it. I left and never looked back. As soon as I freed myself from this relationship I found my soulmate and we've been happily married for 10 years.
i think this is a very emotionally healthy promise!
I too do my best to follow my instincts. They've never let me down.
A promise I've made to myself is to Not Assume Anything. I've discovered that it's a biggie in relationships. I can come up with all kinds of reasons why "He" didn't call when he said he would. The truth is usually much more mundane and reasonable than what I will dream up.
i reached a point in my life a few years ago where i was burning out from taking on too much of other people's stuff... their needs and wants before my own. i learned this from my mother. she gives and gives and gives of her time & self & resources, and it's not healthy.
she doesn't take good enough care of herself. she can't say no.
and it's not empowering the way a life of service could be, when someone is consciously deciding to give of themselves.
my wise friend lisa told me at the time that if someone didn't appreciate something i was doing for them, then that was my permission to stop.
a combination of all of these things made me realize i had absolutely no personal boundaries.
it was a scary moment of realization. i felt very vulnerable. when you don't set and communicate your own boundaries, you are vulnerable to the wishes and whims of those around you.
i found a worksheet on oprah's website and it was so simple: you just had to fill in the blanks on several open-ended questions like 'no one is allowed to ...' or 'these aspects of my life are private: ...'
i took responsibility and defined and communicated my own personal boundaries.
it was COMPLETELY EMPOWERING, just to realize i could say NO.
not for the sake of saying no, but to take back the ability to say YES to myself.
it was an extremely liberating and empowering experience, and it continues in my life to this day.
I promised myself that I would NEVER wear pantyhose or a suit EVER again. I IMMEDIATELY donated all 22 of my black suit separates to charity, just so I would not lose my resolve.
I also promised myself that I would not go back to school. I would fend for myself using whatever skills I had - this meant retail, or working in construction for my now-husband (I tried that for a while, and I think I was the worlds smallest pipelayer, and it did not work out so well because every time he would get mad at me I would just threaten him with NO MORE SEX), or it meant using what I had learned in law school and while I was articling, and marketing myself as a researcher.
I ended up working as a researcher at a securities law firm, and from there I worked my way up to compliance and disclosure; now I work as a regulatory advisor and technical writer, and most of the time I am actually writing the reports I used to merely critique. Best of all, I do not make much less money than I would have as a lawyer, I do not have to pay professional dues, I can work part time, and I can wear WHATEVER I WANT!
I'm recovering from a multitude of addictions including nicotine addiction, which was the most difficult of all to surrender. I haven't had one of those filthy 'sticks' in my mouth for 11 years. And I thought I'd die with a cigarette in my mouth.
I became a Master Gardener in my early 60s and am now the group's coordinator.
I started a little theatre group years ago with a friend and we put on a Western melodrama. We approached the town council for money to pay for what we needed.
But I am not aware of a promise I made that changed my life.
so it's important to look at the role you're playing in these situations.
and then say no anyway, LOL.
I, with the others who have responded to your post, LOVE the idea of wearing a ring which is a commitment to being true to myself.
Thank you SO much for sharing.
Thank you, Carolynn
I see a promise to pursue your dream of earning a BSW.
I see a promise to find freedom from a habit that doesn't serve you.
I see a promise to share a love of nature with kindred MG spirits.
I see a promise to explore acting and invite others to participate.
Wow! What a lovely string of promise pearls on your life's thread!
i also say no to heels.
life's too short!
Cécile
Cécile
Thank you for the beautiful image of the string of promise pearls! That's how I'll think of my life from now on.
I kept my promise to take risks and to live life to the fullest....I ran for Miss Fisk University didn't think I had a chance of winning but became runner up.....I went skydiving last week even though I was scared as heck!!!
And everyday I continue to surprise myself at how bold and RISQUE' I really am! One day soon, I'm going to be even riskier and Open the GENERATION HOPE mentoring center for innercity youth!!!
TO PUT GOD FIRST!!!!
TO LOVE MYSELF, THEN OTHERS!!! *I have to keep reminding myself*
If you are an American, becoming a MG would be different for you.
But I believe all MG have one goal - to help the home gardener with their gardening problems on a volunteer basis and with some specific educational requirements and number of volunteer hours per year.
Thank you for your response. The purpose is truly noble and I am sure people like me would benefit trmendously from a MG's advice!
Cécile
I have grown and learnt over all those years. The best times always came after struggles as we both changed and grew. The posting today here on "to thine own self be true" is part of how marriage happens. You can only respect yourself to the degree you respect another soul. Yes sometimes there is distance and mostly closeness. I think of the words of Kabul Gabrin (that is spelt wrongly AKA The Prophet) Let there be spaces in your togetherness.
Each marriage is a unique new universe. We love and adore each other AND irritate each other to bits sometimes. One of the great joys of midlife onwards is the ability to hold paradox.
Oh and I need to add it was a second marriage for both of us. My first marriage was violent and I hit back to physically defend myself. Nothing to be proud of. After I walked away with all the attendant feelings of shame and failure I came to a quiet place in myself: How did I contribute to this train wreck? The answers to that question probably contained a promise to myself not to repeat that learning again.
Real intimacy with another comes with the promise to value and respect another human soul as much as oneself. It is a dance and a journey.
Needless to say, I have never worn pantyhose since, either. If I wear a skirt and it is cold, I wear boots!
(I am sort of with you guys on the heels thing... being short is kind of cute. However, if I really want to feel sexy I do have to wear them. I no longer need to feel sexy every single moment of every day. Cute is good enough most of the time.)
My song was "Baby, You've Got What It Takes" by Dinah Washington and..a guy whose name I don't remember. I took pictures.
Like so many of us commenting here, I promised to put myself first. And as a result, I also promised to end toxic relationships and surround myself with people who love that I put myself first.
Life Changing Promises.
I would encourage you to start doing some of them now - knitting doesn't need to take up alot of time or space, and can be crammed into the tiniest snatched moments. plus there is alot of support, information and inspiration out there.
of course you might be doing that already, but the 'One Day' aspect just made me want to encourage you to start working towards that 'one day' now if you can. since it's the only way you'll get there.
*hug*
I very quickly realized what I intended as a gift to my son was really a gift to me ~ the gift of choice. I always have a choice, in every situation. Nobody "makes" me do anything.
And I have kept that promise: Everything I've done for my sons and others in my life has been my choice. I do not wear a necklace of resentment beads. I am light hearted.
I promised myself and my husband at that time that I wouldn't let them hurt our relationship again.
Since then our relationship has improved dramatically and we got married. I now know how important he is to me, someone who loves me for who I am and will support me in my dreams. I feel so lucky every day that I met him.