DISQUS

Kristin · 1 year ago

Years ago, while living in Prague, my sagacious friend S. and I were at a cafe discussing men. She said, rhetorically, "Why is it that we expect so much from our girlfriends and so little from our partners?" As a woman who thrived on unhealthy, energy-sucking relationships, this simple question was transformational for me.

bene · 1 year ago

I was told that if you dont`t control your life, someone else will . It gave me the shivers...it was like a cold wind rushing through my spine. From that day forward I have regained control of my life. Destiny may have given you a bad hand, but when you are an adult you have to stop blaming everyone from your parents to siblings, bad boyfriends or your evil secondgrade teacher. Take control , listen to your gut and be happy!!

Tara · 1 year ago

Keep a bit of mystery in you're relationship. You'd never go to the toilet in front of your new boyfriend, so why do it in front of your partner! I've been married for 16 years (since I was 18), and I know my husband doesn't want to hear about make-up, shopping, bikini waxes, periods etc, so I don't freak him out or bore him with my girl stuff. And have lots of sex!

Brenda · 1 year ago

Steer clear of anyone who doesn't accept and value the person that you are.

Rushmi · 1 year ago

I read it somewhere and it stuck - Your marriage is a little tiny row boat out in the middle of an ocean. Calm serene. Wavy. Tsunami like. Whatever it is out there in the ocean, you both have to take your OARS and dip in the ocean and row together in the same direction. Sometimes, one persons OAR will break, it's up to the other person to keep own rowing. Eventually the other will fix the oar and join in the rowing - but keep rowing in the same direction - no matter how stormy the ocean. Row your hardest when things are good. I normally don't like 'marriage' advice. But the imagery has stuck in my head. And damn it 10 years of marriage and we are still rowing. It's hardwork! But love the scenery.

Colette · 1 year ago

Take time to get to know people and let them show you who they are. The best was to work on any relationship is to work on one's self. And Take care of me first, then I can conquer the world!

Debbie R · 1 year ago

Concentrate on the GIVING. In any type of relationship - familial, friendship, life partners - the more you invest, the more you will receive. But remember, it's not about the receiving - it's about the GIVING.
And communicate - it's the life blood of any relationship.

Julia · 1 year ago

Know your boundaries!

My mentor once told me that not every person in your life needs to be in your innermost, intimate circle of relationships. Let people be who they are, and don't force anything. Allow things to unfold organically and the relationship (friendship/family/romantic parter)will present what it is going to be. That's the only way things are real and expectations are going to be met. The square peg ain't gonna fit in a round hole, and you can't make a cookie out of a cat turd.(vulgar, but oh so TRUE!!!)

Karen · 1 year ago

Someone once told me that men will almost immediately tell you what they're all about, ie. "I like to do what I feel like" (translation: Peter Pan, call your office); "I'm not very good at relationships" (run like hell); "I can't seem to find the right woman" (trans: "I'm entirely too picky and am one of Nature's bachelors"); "No one really gets my sense of humor" (trans: I'm a pervert); etc. Once a man told me, up front, that he has a problem with authority. Guess what all our arguements were about? Mr. Independence couldn't be fenced in on anything, including hanging up towels, parking legally, etc.
Dump the chump--you won't save him and there IS no break-thru woman. Run fast, run far...it's the devil!

Jamie · 1 year ago

From my husband: When my husband and I first started dating, I had a tendency to bury things that were bothering me. I didn't want to reveal my vulnerabilities. Being the sensitive man he is, he would always notice and insist on the truth, saying that otherwise those hidden hurts/worries/angers would poison our relationship. Sometimes it's been really hard, but we bring our full selves to the relationship every day.

From me: No matter how long you've been together or how well you know each other, never stop being polite and gracious with each other. Keep saying I love you and thank you and touch each other every day, several times a day. Treat your loved ones graciously.

Joannie · 1 year ago

I wish I'd known this years ago! Best advice ever.

Joannie · 1 year ago

Further to that someone said (I can seldom remember who) 'STAY in the boat'.

Pam · 1 year ago

I was told that the best thing you can do is not worry about tomorrow, forget about what happened yesterday and live for today! And I have applied that to my personal life and I don't have the worries about where we are going to be in a year or 2 years and I don't have jealousy over who was before me I just look forward to seeing him each day and enjoying our day together!

Joannie · 1 year ago

You don't suppose, Jamie, your husband could be cloned?

Joannie · 1 year ago

For years I had a wonderful therapist. She helped me save my life. I think what she told me was probably the best advice I've received.

'Give all the love you have to give. Don't hold anything back.'

Linda Borland-Fitzgerald · 1 year ago

Quote: Maya Angelou..."When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Brilliant!

Brenda · 1 year ago

Experience can be a dear teacher.

Linda Borland-Fitzgerald · 1 year ago

Oh, how you talk... Been married 40 years and have been through absolutely everything a marriage can be put through and survived. Each crisis or passage strengthened us together and as individuals. We have been friends first, respectful and there's lots of touching. Oh, and this little thing my husband does - he makes this 'squeaky' noise and when we are at opposite ends of a store, for example, I will hear him 'squeak.' He tells me it makes him feel 'connected.' I love him more every day.

Krystl · 1 year ago

My father told me when I was 10 years old to always be honest. I know how important that is, and also how hard! After 19 years with one man, I think I do my best to find the path somewhere between my father's advice, and Ken Kesey's, as reported by Danielle! Moderation in all things - even truth. :) I love Joannie's response, too. Give all your love.

cynthia kling · 1 year ago

A long time ago my aunt asked me if I knew the three most important words in a marriage. "I love you," I replied. "Nope", she said. "Let it go."

Hard, true and I'm still working on it!

Amy · 1 year ago

I love this! It is oh so true. I've recently divorced. And after almost 14 years of marriage with someone who I tried to mold into a "grown up" this truth is now glaringly obvious. Now I'm trying to look at everyone for who they are and let the chips fall where they may. Excellent advice!

Amy · 1 year ago

Oh yeah! In the past I have been the "savior" that these types of men really don't want! A lot of time has been wasted.

Lucy · 1 year ago

I was in a wonderful, reciprocal, loving relationship for 19 years. We did keep a little bit of mystery as Tara suggests. We were open and authentic and both worked at the relationship (Brenda and Rushmi's advice). We were generous with each other and stuck together through difficult times (Debbie's advice). We were polite and considerate of each other (Jamie). We made it through parents' deaths, children's troubles, a brief separation due to work assignments. We had great sex - often (Tara). I was completely vulnerable to him and trusted him implicitly. And one morning he called me at work to tell me he'd met a woman who is "cute" and "seems to enjoy his company" and he just couldn't manage two women at once - so good-by to me. So the truest advice I ever received, although maybe not the best, is that you just never know...

Cecile · 1 year ago

BONJOUR MES AMIS!

Danielle I am baffled. "Don't say it." Don't say what? EVER? So what is the purpose of this self-imposed vow? I don't get it... ;-(

Back to today's question: In my case I can cite two instances:

The first one and the one that has proven to be the truest: follow your instinct. Always. That inner voice that says this is ok, or that shakes its head... Tsk, tsk...

And the other theorem: Before you can love anyone or give yourself to anyone, thou must love thyself, immensely, and know thyself likewise.... Just recently, I discovered by arriving at the SS the enormous value of the secong adage... NOW I know what really will make my heart sing!!!

Bisous,

Cécile

Lisa · 1 year ago

A couples counselor we were seeing said "behind every marital breakdown is the simple fact that you're feeling lonely for one another. Admit it , and the breakdown will be resolved." And he was right. 36 years and going stronger than ever.

Kathleen · 1 year ago

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

Lisa D. · 1 year ago

"It's better to be kind than right"

I imagine it's been said by many but I especially like it set to music by Amy Grant in the song "Happy"

Lisa D. · 1 year ago

We were on the same wavelength!

tabatha · 1 year ago

Be deliberate. So simple, yet amazingly transforming. Try it for just a day and observe the results. Today, I've chosen to be deliberately, decidedly joyful :)

Gayle Marshall · 1 year ago

I got a lot from the Imago therapy stuff (Harville Hendrix) and a weekend workshop gave me and my former partner the confidence to move forward into a living together arrangement. Once of the things that stuck was "Unless you make your partner Safe what you get are his/her defences".....(so I've tried to make it easy for someone to be themselves (no judgememt) be honest (no judgement/over-reaction) be courageous (take chances with me experiment)....and relationships just seem to get easier and easier.

Crys · 1 year ago

My aunt gave the best advice to me, upon my wedding day... She said " It's NOT about FINDING the right partner, it's about BEING the right partner". I'll never forget her words.

Cecile · 1 year ago

Carrie,

What about sharing responsibilities? Especially financially. I would not enter a relationship where I couldn't have the same knowledge/control of the financial picture. In my humble book that is a recipe for disaster for the one who is in the dark.

Cécile

Traci · 1 year ago

Pay attention...you get what you give. The pay attention part is particularly important. Often, we're not "giving" as well as we think we are.

Crys · 1 year ago

I allowed someone to control my life, I lost myself and forgot who I was. He didn't appreciate the control, and reality is neither did I. I've been down that road, it leads nowhere. Taking control of your life is easier than it sounds.

Kristin (The Goat) · 1 year ago

That is something I have etched in my brain. I am such an excuse maker for others that I literally have to stop and recite this quote. I don't need to make excuses for someone, I need to see them for who they are and decide if that's what I want.

nycgirl · 1 year ago

NEVER loan more than $5. If you loan more than $5, you probably won't see it again, and if you loan less than $5, you won't care if you see it again.

NEVER, EVER loan more than $5.

Karryn · 1 year ago

The best relationship advice: People don't remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel. The way you treat people will always come back to you. Always.

lisaohhh · 1 year ago

reaching out when i need help has always been challenging for me. i'm a big girl, do it yourselfer, don't need anybody, i'm a strong one. well, needless to say this facade was worn down. i told my therapist i was too uncomfortable asking my husband for help or reaching out when i was in trouble. my therapist asked: how do you feel when he reaches out to you, when he asks for help or support?" "I feel honored" I answered. "Exactly." therapist said. "when you don't reach out, you deprive your husband the gift of responding and supporting you." this advice changed the way i 'do' relationships.

lisaohhh · 1 year ago

wow- great response. thanks for the new word, also! i had to look up sagacious. :) glad to add it to my vocabulary!

weezie · 1 year ago

The commencement speaker at my daughter's college graduation spoke on the importance of being kind. This was somewhat unexpected as he was the CEO of one of the largest multi-national corporations. But the speech was appropriate and has stuck in my mind for 10 years now.

Jen Spencer · 1 year ago

I took a Martin Sage course called "How to Talk to Men" and it's basic premise is that men want to please women. We just have to let them. Look for what lights them up. Be curious. Be playful and have fun.

weezie · 1 year ago

I heard a long time ago that women marry men expecting to change them, and men marry women expecting that they'll never change. I'm fortunate enough to have married a man I love just the way he is (and after 37 years . . yesterday . . I'd be stunned if he did change, although I'd love for him to pick up his socks) while he gives me the space to "evolve" any way I want.

weezie · 1 year ago

This is my mantra!

Ella · 1 year ago

I read this on a blog somewhere recently, of course I can't remember where.

Never be with a man you wouldn't be totally proud to have raised if he were your son.

Obviously you can insert the words woman and daughter into the sentence, if that better suits your needs. This piece of advice totally resonated with me, I think it's a great checkpoint.

Ruth · 1 year ago

You have to work at your marriage every day. There should never be a day where you sit back and say "Everything is going fine now. I don't have to do anything anymore."

Xai Vicente Charles · 1 year ago

I've been happily married for 10 years. I've learned that you need to have a deep friendship with the person you've chosen to live your life with. Nietzsche said "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

Karen · 1 year ago

Exactly what I was trying to say! Precisely! Brilliant!

Ellen · 1 year ago

Find a partner who brings out the best in you.

Ginger · 1 year ago

Thank you for reminding me to protect my innermost circle. I too received that advice a while ago and reading your post, after a hard couple of weeks, reminds me I may have developed a crack in my circle I need to patch. I often find myself being so open and honest, throwing everything out and it doesn't always come back leaving me feeling a bit empty or vulnerable. It is ok to build my own solar system where some planets are great for an occasional visit or best viewed from afar and to keep my "earth" filled with family and friends whose souls and wisdom help to lift my spirits and challenge me to be a better person.

sandgirl · 1 year ago

Ginger -- I love that imagery! Thanks!

Mary · 1 year ago

Years ago, I finally made up my mind that being alone and happy was much better than with the wrong person and unhappy. Once I drew that distinction, I was miraculously open to a much healthier relationship. For 14 years now I have been with my faboulous husband, who is also a wonderful father to our children. We laugh a lot, and think a lot alike. Life is too short not to be around people who respect and support you. It is all about the give and take, and realizing that even "givers" need a support system.

Dena · 1 year ago

Best advice - I'm giving it to myself - forget him . . .

sandgirl · 1 year ago

Cecile -- what I took from Danielle's "Don't say it" is that there are times when you feel like prefacing what you're about to say with "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but..." In those instances, it's best not to say anything. I'm assuming it's for those times that are going to be accompanied with "You always..." or "Why do you never..." or other such non-productively hurtful things. Also, there are ways, and there are ways, of saying things. Not that we should never confront people, but that we should watch how we do that.

Did that make any sense?

Linda Borland-Fitzgerald · 1 year ago

Danielly, I love that advise. And when presented with that situation, ask yourself.."Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"

caroline · 1 year ago

My friend revealed my own advice to me at a shower last year. My husband and I go to bed together and get up together. We also sit down and eat breakast together, while listening to NPR. The stories usually spark some pretty entertaining conversations.

Kerry L. · 1 year ago

My Mom has said the secret to their marriage of 50 plus years is 1) two televisions, 2) dual controls on the electric blanket and 3) if either wanted a divorce, that person got the kids and the other person got everything else. Humorous, but succinctly acknowledges the need to be individuals and the added strength that comes in a relationship.

Kat the Drumming Diva · 1 year ago

Danielle, I LOVE your story! That's great. And funny.

Kat the Drumming Diva · 1 year ago

and never ever ever co-sign a loan, for anyone, not even your mamma. co-signing a loan means YOU'RE vouching for someone that a bank or other insitution feels is too great a risk... and they have billions of dollars at their disposal. you don't get any interest, there's no positive effect on your credit rating if the person you co-sign for manages to pay their loan, AND the loan company can come to you at any time for any reason and demand that you pay the debt in full. it's not a win-win situation, even though it might be difficult to say no. there are many better ways to help someone out if that's what you're trying to do.

Linda Borland-Fitzgerald · 1 year ago

Hope the 'touching' part didn't sound creepy. I meant that we are 'connecting' by reaching for each other's hand or a shoulder squeeze - that kind of thing. Just thought I should clarify that...

Laura · 1 year ago

When I got married almost 30 years ago, I knew that I could trust and support everything I knew at that point about both myself and my husband. I had no niggling doubts, no thoughts about what I could fix or change about either of us. I jumped in trusting what I knew and willing to take a chance on whatever would be revealed through being together all these many years. I've shared this "commitment point" with others. I feel fortunate that it proved to be solid ground for our marriage.

stella tinglin · 1 year ago

Reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth was transformational for me - particularly around the idea that everyone has a 'pain body' and if your relationship is challenging and argumentative, it is our pain bodies trying to take over our egos. If you take a breath and recognize the other person's pain body, it's amazing how compassion and understanding replace anger and frustration.

Ngonzi Truth Crushshon · 1 year ago

I heard this on a radio show...an old man called in and the host asked what was the secret to his long marriage/relationship? To say "I'm Sorry! whether you I did it or not. AND to say "I LOVE YOU" everyday

The best advice I've ever given: DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY & THAT ATTRACTS YOUR SOULMATE.....u can't fake the "REAL YOU" it will eventually come out...and the person you are in a relationship with will see it. BE YOURSELF!!! LOVE GOD FIRST (and your mate should love God first too)! LOVE YOURSELF (if you don't love you, u will accept much less than you deserve....and make sure your mate loves themselves....you cannot make anybody else happy....they must have their own happiness and self-love!!!) LOVE OTHERS (have mutual love and respect for your partner-but don't let your love for your partner take you away from your VISION, GOALS for your life AND your friends and family) Don't put love for your mate before GOD or yourself!

Pema · 1 year ago

THAT is soulful and spot on!

Lynn · 1 year ago

I agree with Cecile about your instinct...Doubt means Don't and you always know what "YES" feels like. Also a few of the quotes I live by are: "true love means seeking to release the other", "never fall out of love at the same time" & "Don't pay attention to anything a man says, pay attention to everything he does".

Pema · 1 year ago

When arguing, fight like you're playing for the same team, rather than trying to dominate the point. The goal is not to rack up points against each other. The goal is to win for the team. Play like you're in it for the team victory.

Daniel Gibbons · 1 year ago

I have to go with a classic bit of Jerry Seinfeld wisdom:
"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

Diane · 1 year ago

That is the same advice I have given my children and it works!

Carly · 1 year ago

Our premarital counselor told us, "Marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100." You have to give everything and not focus on if they're doing their "half", and they'll do the same. This way you can comfortably ask for anything you want or need, and joyfully give without resentment or keeping "score".

Julia · 1 year ago

Exactly! As women, we oftentimes are too willing to share the best parts of ourselves...thinking we'll get an ROI...but it's okay to disclose, share, and help more cautiously/carefully so that we don't leave ourselves open to disappointment and vulnerability. I'm not suggesting that we close off the world and don't take chances...I'm saying we should do so at a slower pace. It takes practice and acceptance but we want to give "cleanly". Ginger, be kind to yourself and indulge in your own version of TLC. I'm thinking of you.

Julia · 1 year ago

Oh--Amy! You are sounding self actualized and brave! Way to go! Divorces are never unmessy in my opinion, but I've seen some real growth from my girlfriends who saw the truth and did what was best for themselves and their family's well being. Keep on keepin' on and "to thine onself be true." You're in my thoughts, dear girl.

Diane · 1 year ago

My Mom told me It's just as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall in love, so marriage is work. I'll remember that forever. Also, never take your partner for granted. After 31 years of marriage and 3 grown children I will say the best gift you can give your children is to work on your marriage. Be child-like once in awhile. Laugh, pray together and respect each other's boundary's.

Susie Hutchinson · 1 year ago

My advice has always been run for the hills if a person is cheap on your first date, they will be cheap forever and with everything: money, love, kindness...

janice briggs · 1 year ago

My father told me to find someone who truly shared my values and then be sure to tell each other, in a deliberate manner, that you love each other each day. My husband and I hold each other for a few minutes each morning before getting up to start the day. Once we brush our teeth, we enjoy a real kiss and and take a moment to relect and tell each other how much we appreciate the life we share. It only takes a few moments but we never make the mistake of taking each other for granted. After years of marriage, we still court each other. We send each other random, spontaneous email love notes purchase "just because" cards. We celebrate every day. I buy him flowers.

janice briggs · 1 year ago

I concur. But it took a while for me to reach the conclusion...19 years! But now I am the happiest I have ever been and married to a positive and fabulous man who is terrific with my daughters.

Lindsey · 1 year ago

A yoga teacher friend of mine--also a construction worker in his late 50s--once told me we are attracted to those who mirror us. I've noticed that almost every time my wonderful boyfriend does something infuriating, it's something I also do myself. Talk about making it hard to stay mad! And bringing more understanding to a relationship.

Tamara ModernGear TV · 1 year ago

I LOVE your answers, C&D! Excellent words of advice.

Kristin - I too looked up sagacious and LOVE that word! Thanks for that one.

Now, my advice. When I turned 30 in late December some nearly seven years ago, I had just broken up with a guy who flirted viciously online...he thought that it being online meant it wasn't cheating. I thought otherwise, and seeing as I had given him two chance before this, it was third time and he was out.

Spent Christmas and New Year by myself, with my cat. I thought, well, I'm okay being alone. This could be alright. Not the end of the world, and I really like my own company (to say nothing of the cat).

Then in early March for my radio travel series, I interviewed a woman who had put together a calendar of interesting facts and places in Alberta. We hit it off famously, and she told me her secret for her amazing relationship with her husband - when he pulls up in the driveway after a long day of work, her heart still skips a beat to see him coming.

The very next day I met the man of my dreams, and seven years later he's still that...and my heart still flutters when he comes home - from a trip or from a day at work.

It seems like simple advice, and like an "of course" thing...but the online cheater? I went through times where I couldn't care less if he came or went, but stayed with him - not sure why...convenience? Laziness? Thinking it would work itself out, or this was how it just was in a long-term relationship?

It's not that way at all...not when you've met the right person.

Connie · 1 year ago

My Aunt Celeste, no Ken Kesey but plenty smart, said there are three things you need to be with those you care about: Kind. Kind. and Kind.

Ginger · 1 year ago

I can see why this "stuck" for you. Great, simple advice. Thanks.

Ginger · 1 year ago

That is great advice!

L'Mae · 1 year ago

Yep,
I've found that people tell the truth about themselves right away. My job is to LISTEN to what they actually said (not what I "hope they meant") and to Believe them.
Saves lots of time and angst!

Jess · 1 year ago

One thing I have learned is that it is EXHAUSTING trying to be perfect all the time, so I've stopped! No one ever asked me to be perfect and I put that pressure on myself. Your partner is more forgiving and understanding than you think!
Also - trust is a big one. If you have no reason to feel uncomfortable, then let it go. And also, if you feel anxious or jealous, it's usually a sign you need to work on YOUR self-esteem.
Finally, I totally agree that you need to protect your inner circle. I am making more time for friends and family when I can because they keep me strong and grounded.

Becciebeth · 1 year ago

Tell your Aunt I said "Thank You!!!". I need to work on this, and you worded it perfectly!!!

Becciebeth · 1 year ago

my father-in-law has a book of commandments (I jokingly call it that), and there are three that have tremendously helped my marriage. 1. Don't say things under heated emotion. 2. There are three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth. 3. Never tell anyone, "You should (by). I always tell friends that during hard times, don't turn on the radio.

Becciebeth · 1 year ago

Damn spell check. (nt).

marn · 1 year ago

"Never go to bed angry with one another". I agree whole heartedly with this one... It anger festers inside me overnight like a infected wound, and then I wake up feeling BITTER towards him after a brutal sleep ~ it's not good for either of us! Make up (or out) lol, then sleep.

Luciaf · 1 year ago

yeah, I think the "don't say it" means: "I would rather have sex with your brother" or "your natural smell is a mix of old chicken fat and artificial banana" or "Oh...it IS in?!"

Luciaf · 1 year ago

oh, this is so true...such a good reminder...and I'm so bad at it!

Luciaf · 1 year ago

Great advice, ladies. Truly, fantastic. Thank you.

My father told me, "Marry the man you respect, not just the man you love".

My Mom said: "Just because you "feel" it, doesn't mean it's true". (meaning emotions are fickle, don't be a slave to them)

And I say: find the act of kindness you can still do while wanting to rip his freaking face off.

For me, it's cooking his favorite meal. If we have a fight and come to logger heads...or I really want him to apologize but he won't...whatever it is...I cook him cowboy steaks and yam fries. He feels loved, I feel appreciated...and our bellies are full. Reconsiling comes much faster.

Stephanie · 1 year ago

*You cannot make someone be in love with you, but you can prevent him from being in love with you by being bitchy*. That is the wisest advice that comes to mind.

I have had all kinds of relationship advice from all kinds of people.

There is one older lady who seemed to have a good marriage, and it had been an arranged marriage. She told me that when your husband is arguing with you, just agree that he is right, and then wait a day or two to make your point, because all men are stupid and cannot admit they are wrong. When I follow her advice, it works EVERY TIME! But I have to admit, it hurts my pride so I cannot always do it.

I hate to say this, but I think that the best way to nurture a relationship is to keep a little mystery, as many people have suggested; and to keep yourself looking nice, because men are shallow (sorry, they are *visual*). However, there are no guarantees. You could be traded in at any time for no apparent reason, for someone who is not half as attractive or nice or fun or smart as you are. Men like variety. I once knew a man who said that *men like different, not better.*

Angela · 1 year ago

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

jennb · 1 year ago

Advice i have given is: dont try to change the one you are with accept him/her for who they are. If you cant do that then you shouldnt be with them. Now do i follow my own advice probally not.

jennb · 1 year ago

LOL thats awsome

ally · 1 year ago

from my teachers, nicola and leslie:

"nothing is permanent"

everything is impermanent, and will always change. embracing this can allow you to accept the changes that occur in yourself, your partner, and the relationship between you. clinging to "the way things were" at one point in time doesn't keep you happy, because a new moment is already here.

Shannon Fitzgerald · 1 year ago

The people we fall in love with are a reflection of that self-worth and a mirror of our true selves - where we are, what still needs to be healed etc. Take each "love" as an opportunity to learn and reflect, to grow and keep digging deeper.

Caroline · 1 year ago

Thank you for this. it articulated the tension that was in my recently ended relationship. It helps to be honest that even though it is over, i do miss him and what he meant to me. That is really the hardest part. Letting go of what can't be.

Caroline · 1 year ago

A couple's counselor I saw had the best comment on relationships, and life. He said "most people are ambivalent about most things most of the time." Often I have been in relationships where at the first sign of nerves the only solution appears to be to leave. But if i accept that it's ok to be scared or stuck in relationships, I feel more open to staying with someone and figuring out what the truth is between us. This makes the world feel much bigger and safer, and lets me feel that there is no one perfect way to love someone.

Danielle LaPorte · 1 year ago

yeah...even in moody funks, I'm still happy to hear my Fireman coming in the front door. that flutter is THE indicator. Your body knows.

Danielle LaPorte · 1 year ago

this is really profound. a great shrink gave me similar counsel. You don't have to be 100% sure, certain, trusting. Just sure enough.

Danielle LaPorte · 1 year ago

bang on. so to speak.

Sabrina · 1 year ago

Randy Pausch has cancer and he gave a last lecture at Carnegie Mellon. For those interested:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

In his presentation he gave one piece of advice specifically intended for his young daughter that I found incredibly valuable. When it comes to men he said, "Ignore everything that men say. Pay attention to what they do." And to quote Rabbi Shmuley, "Love is not a feeling, love is an action." This resonated and revolutionalized how I both experience and express love especially in relationships of the romantic variety.

Marie Leona · 1 year ago

Telling a very good male friend of mine that sometimes the best gifts comes in a crappy wrapping. He had just met a girl to seem to have a very complicated life... to make a long story short, they ended being married and have 5 children and are very happy, very normal human beings!!! For a received advice..."it is best for 2 people to have pain then a whole lot of others..." and this, my friends, what was said to me when discussing our future with the man I was having an affair with... and still to this day, I love him very, very much but we made our choice and live by it, and, yes it can be hard at times but so many other people are happy around us.

Beth C. · 1 year ago

I too was told that "love is a verb." Loving my spouse is something that I actively choose to do each and every day. The officiant at our wedding also had an interesting take on love and marriage. Instead of allowing couples to say "I do" to one another, he required couples to say "I will." He said that those two words would serve as reminders of the forward-looking nature of the promise that we made to one another. He also said that during hard times, the knowledge that we had agreed to "will" ourselves to follow our vows would give us strength.

Danielle LaPorte · 1 year ago

Our act of love is this: toothpaste on the toothbrush. Even if we're in the middle of a volcanic shit fight, we both muster up an ounce of sweetness to be the first one to put toothpaste on the other's brush when we get ready for bed. When you walk into the bathroom and your brush is ready, it's a little "hey babe," signal. I think maybe once in 9 years I decided to stick it to him and brushed my teeth without sharing the Colgate. And I felt like such a ridiculous witch for doing that. We love toothpaste.

Krysta · 1 year ago

Good advice!

Cecile · 1 year ago

lUCIA, YOU HAVE ME ROLLOING ON THE FLOOR!!!! WHAT A SENSATIONAL SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR OUT-OF-SERIES REPLY!!

Cécile!!!

Vanessa Rae · 1 year ago

Two very wise lines:
1. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
2. People only treat you how you let them treat you.

Lynda Monk · 1 year ago

i am buying my honey some dental floss today and putting it on his pillow...we used to joke and say "have you flossed?" as a code for getting naked together...with two young sons (jackson just turned three and jesse is 18 months) - our dentist would not be that impressed with our current flossing routine...if you know what i mean :)
danielle, thanks for sharing your great ritual - making the ordinary meaningful...hugs, lynda


a new toothbrush today and going to have it ready beside the sink tonight...thank you for sharing

Carolynn · 1 year ago

Wow, very good stuff in here. I like Danielle's toothpaste ritual. It's that act of doing something special for another person just because you want to, not because it's expected or required. I'll put water by his bedside at night or pour a glass of juice and have it ready for him when he comes out of the shower.

Best advice:
"Ignore everything a man says and pay attention to what he does."
and
"Use your voice."

Very powerful and much more difficult to put into practice.

Carrie McCarthy · 1 year ago

One is the Chef the other the sous chef! Lots of sharing of info but one takes the lead. I agree in business or in relationship being in the dark is a scary place to be.

Luciaf · 1 year ago

thanks Cecile...tee hee!

Dolly Hopkins · 1 year ago

Hang in there....and be mindful. I stop and think about the situation when the bad stuff arises - Then I turn my thoughts to positive energy and move along in that light ...knowing the next moment will provide another opportunity to find a solution.

Alison · 1 year ago

Oh, wow.

Mashy · 1 year ago

I am a girl and my brother has a girlfriend in University! They are both 24 and they are both really serious! And I am happy for them! BUT the thing is that our parents aren't thrilled about his girl friend, but it's not that horrible. But he really loves her and she's a great girl. And they are becoming really serious and even thinking about getting engaged! But my brother is scared to even break the news of them moving in together in September to our parents. What should he do? How should he convince his parents? She's a smart girl, they are both University students studying medicine! They are perfect? But how should my brother tell his parents about them moving in and that they are serious, and in love? Please help!
Thanks so much!

Hannah · 1 year ago

dont ever listen when people say
hes not good enough for you
because truley your the only one who
knows how he makes you feel

Hapy moments praise God
Difficult moments seek God
Quiet moments worship God
Painful moments trust God
Every moment thank God

Timmins · 1 year ago

dd

Timmins · 1 year ago

The best advice you will take from this website is to move on from your struggling relationship. You shouldn't have to work for it, it should come naturally. When you think of work, isn't that like a job, and I'm pretty sure there are not many out there that love there jobs. This is the only way you will stay happy, find someone you can enjoy every hour you are with, and when that fades, move on to the next. You will all be a lot happier this way, trust me. There, that didn't cost you anything, absolutely free advice.

mya · 1 year ago

I need some help...I'm seeing a guy who is married. he tells me he going to move out from living with his wife and get a place of his own. I know dating a married guy is wrong and i should have never done it. but too late i already dag myself a whole and now i have a problem with trust...I'm always wondering if he is with another woman? If he could cheat on his wife who is to say he won't do the same to me? how do i trust him? how do i be less fearfull of the pain that has not yet arrived?
help me to get over my fear and learn to trust him...any advise??

JamaicanGirl · 11 months ago

I once had a conversation with a guy that was just a little too Whiney (complains alot and always defers decisions) for me. He kept saying "I can change for you". Finally I had had enough of the conversation and ended it with "Why would I want someone that I HAVE to change? Too many people around that already fit the bill". I really beleive that it is not my place to change anyone. Besides, noone changes unless he sees the need to and actually wants to.