I I know a lot of women who take on their partner's name, for whatever reasons. At the same time, though, my own last name is such a huge part of my identity, cultural heritage, professional success and spiritual birthright that taking on my partner's name was just unthinkable in the same way that it was unthinkable for him to change to my name. I'm a proud and unrepentent non-name changer. To each their own.
MissPrism
· 11 months ago
There's no need to imply that any man willing to change his name is not a "real man."
He might have Booger as his current surname, or he might have the same kind of reason women usually give - "I'm just not all that attached to my name" or "the other name sounded better" or "it's easier to spell" or "it's more unusual" or whatever - but that's his decision and if he's man enough to face the sneers of a bunch of sexists, good on him.
Rick Juliusson
· 11 months ago
Hmm, I actually meant to imply that I hope my boys are even stronger (ie, more of a "real man") than me, and fully open to changing their last name. But your comment does make me wonder what reaction men who have changed their name face right now. I personally would not think they're any less "manly", but I do wonder if society in general looks down on them. Anyone out there with experience of this?
JulieG
· 11 months ago
As a random fact, in Quebec you can't actually adopt your husband's name (legally, anyway) except by doing an official name change and all the paperwork that entails. You can certainly introduce yourself by your husband's name (my mom still does, even though she's been divorced for over 20 years), but for the purposes of formal identification (driver's license, passport, etc.), you retain your maiden name. It's actually quite frustrating when you're trying to find someone in the hospital and have no idea what their maiden name is. (Yes, I know from experience.)
Kim
· 11 months ago
Interesting post. I am married to a man who is very supportive of women, who seems to think they are equals in every respect, yet when we got married 13 years ago, he really wanted me to take his last name. As a matter of fact, it was the only thing he cared about. This post has helped me understand this compulsion a bit more, although not completely. Thanks....
zogby
· 11 months ago
Slightly off topic. I believe that, according to strict etiquette, it is incorrect for a widow to call herself eg Mrs John Smith. Formally, after her husband's death she is known as Mrs Jane Smith.
Christopher
· 11 months ago
Ha -I agree with everything you said here!
STL Mom
· 11 months ago
I didn't change my name when I got married, but after I had kids I kind of wish I had. It's annoying to call for playdates saying, "This is Jane Doe, Billy Smith's mom." Also, my husband teases the kids, saying that I must not be a member of the family since I don't have the same name as everyone else (don't worry, my kids defend me.)
Suzyn
· 11 months ago
I didn't even think of changing my name, until I had kids. It just seemed right to give them their father's name, and then it just seemed wrong to have a different last name than my kids. My husband had never pressured me to change it, but he was VERY happy when I did!
Natasha_L
· 11 months ago
Why does it seem right to give your children their father's name and not yours? Seems absurd considering women carry, birth, and in most cases raise the children. I agree hyphenating can get a bit ridiculous and not sure what the solution is here... I think it's also worth considering whose name has more tied to it legally especially if there are other cultures involved (i.e. land that's inherited by name, etc...)
Rick Juliusson
· 11 months ago
It doesn't seem "right" at all, just what I and many men somehow feel deep within. That's why I wrote this article, to try to explore it and explain it a bit to myself if not to others. And now that it's done and published, I'm still not sure I understand.
Elisabeth
· 11 months ago
When my husband and I chose to marry each other, I warned him I would not change my name. I am attached to my name; there are very few of us in the world, so it's unusual and unique. Also, since my mother's death my nuclear family became very tight-knit and I am very possessive of the connection. My husband's name is fairly common and ordinary; there is one famous person with his same first and last name, and one with my first and his last. Why on earth would I want that name too? My husband, of course, is man enough to have no problem with that.
It helps that we don't and won't have kids. I can appreciate the complexity they add.
Farmer_Heather
· 10 months ago
Imagine the plight of the feminist (e.g. me) who wants to change her name but feels ethically bound to keep her own. I want to take my sweetie's name because I like it, and because it would help us present a "united front" as a couple, and because it will (as you say) make life so much easier for our future children. Yet I can't help feeling like I'm surrendering to the whimsical sexism of our silly social conventions.
fred
· 6 months ago
Real men won't marry women who won't change their lastname. The man represents the family to the external world. If she won't submit from the start...then forget it.
happilymarried
· 5 months ago
Fred, what a wonderful representation you are of your family, to the external world. Your wife must be so proud.
Rick, you may have those instincts, but you may be surprised to hear that, as a woman, I have them too. However, I think those instincts are best left in the cave.
I think it would be better if you made an effort and ensured that your sons and daughters knew that they are equally entitled to their surname. Unfortunately, this is not the example that is set where a woman changes her name on marriage and where a husband thinks it is the "right" thing for her to do so. The example you will / have set for your girls is that she only has the right to her surname until she is "re-named" by her husband, but your sons are entitled to bear their surname their whole lives, and even to recruit another person to it. How can you think it is right, whatever the dynamics of your relationship with your wife, to favour your male children over your female children?
For the record, my husband has his own name, I have mine and our children have both. At this stage, the girls want to give my name to their future children and the boys want to do likewise with my husband's name. Ironically, if you are looking for lineage, my husband's and my names stand a greater chance of surviving the generations than yours does. Imagine you have / had only female children and they inherited your views, or indeed married men with your views?
All Comments
He might have Booger as his current surname, or he might have the same kind of reason women usually give - "I'm just not all that attached to my name" or "the other name sounded better" or "it's easier to spell" or "it's more unusual" or whatever - but that's his decision and if he's man enough to face the sneers of a bunch of sexists, good on him.
I think it's also worth considering whose name has more tied to it legally especially if there are other cultures involved (i.e. land that's inherited by name, etc...)
My husband, of course, is man enough to have no problem with that.
It helps that we don't and won't have kids. I can appreciate the complexity they add.
The man represents the family to the external world.
If she won't submit from the start...then forget it.
Rick, you may have those instincts, but you may be surprised to hear that, as a woman, I have them too. However, I think those instincts are best left in the cave.
I think it would be better if you made an effort and ensured that your sons and daughters knew that they are equally entitled to their surname. Unfortunately, this is not the example that is set where a woman changes her name on marriage and where a husband thinks it is the "right" thing for her to do so. The example you will / have set for your girls is that she only has the right to her surname until she is "re-named" by her husband, but your sons are entitled to bear their surname their whole lives, and even to recruit another person to it. How can you think it is right, whatever the dynamics of your relationship with your wife, to favour your male children over your female children?
For the record, my husband has his own name, I have mine and our children have both. At this stage, the girls want to give my name to their future children and the boys want to do likewise with my husband's name. Ironically, if you are looking for lineage, my husband's and my names stand a greater chance of surviving the generations than yours does. Imagine you have / had only female children and they inherited your views, or indeed married men with your views?