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Give ‘Em A Break: Everyday Love and Assumptions

Started by Daniel Gibbons · 8 months ago

“I don’t know what you’re going through.”
This is a mantra that I take to the streets with me. It comes in particular handy when someone races ahead of me in traffic, or butts in front of me in line, or doesn’t return my “hello”%3 ... Continue reading »

55 comments

  • EcoDiva

    8 months ago

    I love this mantra. It makes my day much nicer, and easier to feel compassion for the other person's journey. Yes, sometimes that person cutting me off is just a butt head. Even so, I just don't know.

    Another favorite is to remember that "this is NOT personal".
    reply
  • Carolynn

    8 months ago

    Oh, I like that! I've just officially adopted it as my immediate go-to as well. Thank you for that.
    reply
  • Jenn

    8 months ago

    GREAT post. Someone once told me to presume that everyone is hurting, because, at some level, everyone is.
    reply
  • Jess

    8 months ago

    I DEFINITELY needed to hear this today! I was getting so frustrated with people...this is a great way to take a step back and remember we're all going through our own stuff.
    Thank you!
    reply
  • Kathleen

    8 months ago

    Thanks for this post, Danielle. A wise and compassionate approach.
    reply
  • freestyle

    2 months ago

    I am totally with you on this Kathleen, it's indeed wise and compassionate approach that Danielle has.

    Emma
    reply
  • Cobby

    8 months ago

    I'm going into a meeting tomorrow with a lady who has been very challenging to get on-board with the new system we're implementing. I'm going to use this mantra as we work through what I expect may be a difficult meeting to remind myself that I don't know what is happening for her in her personal life that could be causing her to react this way in her work environment. I really needed the reminder you gave today.
    reply
  • MoJo

    8 months ago

    LOVE it! I do this too - and always hope that others do it when they run into me in one of my crinkled-brow-woe-is-me moments. Thanks for this.
    reply
  • JulieG

    8 months ago

    I love this idea. I've occasionally been on the other end of it, too. Sometimes you're in a rush and just forget to check whether someone's coming up behind you. Usually I hold the door, but sometimes I forget to check. When I realized I've essentially let the door close in someone's face, I always think, "I hope they don't think I'm a terrible person!"
    reply
  • Lewis

    8 months ago

    I stumbled upon this. and I must say. this is very powerful. when i read through the reasons why that person might be in a bad mood my eyes were opened. the mantra you present here reinforces that basic truth that we control our lives: it is not to be left to the whimsy of our emotions. we must control how we respond to stimuli, even the ones that have become habit. i've never thought about what you have written here! i've never considered what the other person may be going through! now, i will do that as often as needed to make that way of thinking my new habit, my new choice of living. many thanks to the author.
    reply
  • DanielleLaPorte

    8 months ago

    yes...mastering emotions is such a big life lesson - they're signals, not dictators.
    reply
  • Traci

    8 months ago

    Danielle, I've been sick lately and am catching up on some posts I've missed. This is truly beautiful, and I thank you for your insight. I'm not a big fan of the place I work, but it has taught me the lesson you're showing us here. I work in a very large medical facility, and I would guess that at least 80% of the people I run into Monday through Friday, 7:00-5:00 are gravely ill or caring for someone who is. Exposure to this has left my nerves wide open, but in the best way. Thanks for bringing this to light!
    reply
  • Simon

    8 months ago

    You may not know what other people are going through, and yes, they could be having the worst day of their life - BUT, there is no reason on this earth why people need to be rude, arrogant or treat others with disrespect just because they are having a bad time. So using “I don’t know what you’re going through.” to excuse these people from their wrongdoing should not be acceptable by anyone. Stand up for yourselves and put people in their place if they butt in front of you in line.
    reply
  • David Alan Richards

    8 months ago

    Good point. Something that's obvious, but I forget and should remember.
    --
    http://www.davidalanrichards.com
    reply
  • EcoDiva

    8 months ago

    You're right on Simon. There is a difference between standing up for your space on earth and finding peace in knowing that other peoples actions are not about us.

    Here's to recognizing and acting on the difference.
    reply
  • Cynthia Rome

    8 months ago

    For me it's all about space or the lack of it. Un-contained energy like anger or rudeness takes up a lot of space and doesn't consider others. They are like a large RED flower in an otherwise cool white and green bouquet. And yes we have to give grief or big concern space and that's a lovely mantra for not getting hooked AND we also have to practice containment when we are off the rails. That's the hardest practice - knowing the space we take up by entering a room.
    reply
  • DanielleLaPorte

    8 months ago

    beautifully said - taking up space is always at the fore of my mind.
    reply
  • Kim

    8 months ago

    Brilliant. I work in retail and have had more than my share of grumpy and even aggressive people. Instead of taking it personal or judging their less than cordial behavior, I try to remember that everybody has their own "story". And treating people with kindness and understanding, yes even those grumpy ones, makes life a more positive experience. Thank you for reminding me of this.
    reply
  • Lindsay

    8 months ago

    This is hard... but it works... my friend taught me to start every sentence with "God bless you", whether it's a relationship you're struggling with, a complete stranger giving you "stink eye", or someone who is loving and caring towards you.... everyone is divine.... we are all the same.
    reply
  • Elli

    8 months ago

    Excellent!
    reply
  • Réni

    8 months ago

    Beautiful post! Every couple of days I leave the wildlife sanctuary go to the post office to get my mail. I pass this sign in front of the Whitmore, California Seventh Day Adventist Church:

    WE ARE NOT HERE TO SEE THROUGH EACH OTHER; WE ARE HERE TO SEE EACH OTHER THROUGH.

    I love that reminder that we are all connected. I really don't know what you are going through; however I am here to help you through it in a gesture that may be as slight as a smile, or as quiet as a whispered prayer.
    reply
  • Saul

    7 months ago

    It's a good theory, but just because you're on your way to chemo, or whatnot is no excuse to be rude to another human being. I do think people should turn the other cheek, but it still does not excuse rudeness.
    reply
  • Jef

    7 months ago

    I respectfully disagree.

    By your account, "dealing with life" is an excuse to be rude, careless, selfish, and insensitive to others. How about THIS: If I'm on my way to chemo, and I offend somebody due to the stress I'm under .. maybe the accountability lies with ME to come to terms with the problems in my life and re-find my balance. Maybe it's "okay" to admit that unfortunate circumstances in our lives leads to inappropriate and undesirable behaviour. Condoning that behaviour is not the answer. There *should* still be consequences for it (i.e., people getting offended, etc.)

    I grew up with a family that used me as their emotional punching bag whenever something "bad" was happening in THEIR lives. Even as an adult, the pattern is well-established. Rather than re-balance their own lives, they use their behaviour towards others as a relief valve for ALL of their problems.

    I'm not perfect and take my stress out on others sometimes, but that doesn't make it RIGHT.
    reply
  • Paul

    7 months ago

    Very true Danielle, and easier said than done also!
    reply
  • Seeker767

    7 months ago

    Wow, thank you. This mantra is absolutely amazing. The only one that I can think of that can come close in potency is "thank you."
    reply
  • Joseph

    7 months ago

    I like you out in the world mantra. It takes the ego out of the equation and assists you in being present.

    I will be back to read more soon.

    Joseph
    www.explorelifeblog.com
    reply
  • Charles Harris

    7 months ago

    I cannot add anything more to this. It stands perfectly well on its own.
    reply
  • Darrin

    7 months ago

    Beautiful,

    I just learned something today, I wish somebody had told me this a long time ago. I will keep this article close to me always.
    reply
  • Maox

    7 months ago

    That's really interesting.. I've recently begun to say this exact thing to myself, like a few months ago. Funny coincidence. I realised that people would react negatively to me whenever I didn't treat them like they treated me, whenever I was feeling down that is. After that I just started telling myself that much in the same way they had no idea what I was going through, so did I not know what they were experiencing in their lives that made them ignore any kindness or respect I showed them. Sure enough, some people are actually just plain idiots, but I think that the majority are just normal people, trying to get by in life. It's a good thing to think.
    reply
  • Entheogen

    7 months ago

    namaste
    reply
  • Jazzy

    7 months ago

    Suspending assumptions is definitely something I need to consciously try to do on a daily basis. Thank you for this.
    reply
  • Mike At

    7 months ago

    With this mantra i can forgive the "races ahead of me in traffic," and maybe ignore the "butts in front of me in line," even though that's annoying. But the "doesn’t return my “hello” when passing by," that's just rude- especially if eye contact was made. Just because you're going through something, doesn't mean you stop with the common decencies.
    reply
  • hj

    7 months ago

    perhaps they are deaf? or totally lost in thought that they literally don't even realize that they have just passed a human being? and if not, let's say it is some punk kid...i still think the mantra applies...they definitely have to be going through something to be so rude...
    reply
  • hj

    7 months ago

    great mantra...thanks...i try to remind myself that it's not about me, i did nothing wrong (tells you what my issues are, huh? ;)
    i am not responsible for the happiness of others kind of thing...
    reply
  • Orchidius

    7 months ago

    Amazing. I'll definitely try out that one. Besides you actually don't know what one is going through, it surely helps yourself to keep balanced.

    Thanks for that.
    reply
  • catherinebehan

    7 months ago

    Nice post. Very thought provoking and a good reminder that compassion is always an appropriate choice.

    Thanks
    reply
  • Justin

    7 months ago

    I agree and wish more people would do the same. I have also been in need of this reminder a few times. Thank you for reminding me.
    reply
  • Pandora

    7 months ago

    This is a great mantra to remember. I'm a full-time retail manager, and this is actually one of the things that I tell all of my employees to think about when they deal with customers. Just being nice makes all the difference
    reply
  • Ariel

    7 months ago

    This is such a wonderful mantra. Every person you see is like a whole 'nother Universe happening. There's a whole world inside each and all of us. We're all human with our own lives going on and it's so wonderful to actually acknowledge this. Thank you for reminding us about all of this. :)
    reply
  • brigid

    7 months ago

    your mantra " I don’t know what you’re going through ", it is undone because you used a negative word. "don't". So by saying that mantra over and over is that " I don’t know what you’re going through"

    My point is that you need to be completely positive or ekse it has the opposite effect that you wanted. Instead say something like "you have a different story than my own".
    reply
  • LuLu

    7 months ago

    So true, i have been using this assumption when im having bad day and someone is insistently trying to say "Hi" to me.I

    Great post.
    Thanks for it.
    reply
  • Gina R.

    7 months ago

    Thank you, Danielle, for sharing this with the world

    And thank you, Mom & Dad, for raising me with this mantra.
    reply
  • Lisa

    6 months ago

    I have a piece of paper I carry in my wallet at all times that reads
    "be kind, for everyone is carrying a heavy burden"
    I can't remember the source of the quote, I've had it for years. I keep forgetting, and then I go to my wallet and go, "oh yeah!"
    I like your mantra even better tho - it's short and sweet and easy to keep in mind.
    Thanks
    reply
  • love relationships

    6 months ago

    I agree and wish more people would do the same. I have also been in need of this reminder a few times. Thank you for reminding me.
    reply
  • whocares

    6 months ago

    Having a bad day does not give you the right to treat others like crap. Get over it. You're not the only person with troubles.
    reply
  • leona

    5 months ago

    Thank you for this marvellously simple and humane post. Presumption about others according to how they look, speak, move is simply a projection of part of ourselves. We do not know and being at the edge of not knowing, while disconcerting, is like standing on the edge of a vast ocean or overlooking a great desert. Who knows what lies there?

    This curiousity is just as valuable for those we think we know well too. For those we know we project our past experiences, our beliefs and judgements.

    How empowering to "not know".
    reply
  • Ruth

    5 months ago

    Fantastic mantra. When I'm having a rough time, I know I'm not always the friendliest person. I may be short with people or withdrawn.

    I'm going to try it on my commute this coming week. What with the economy, I'm sure that most of my fellow commuters are concerned about their jobs, if nothing else. Rushing to get onto or off of the train, walking slowly because they're suffering from depression or are tired after pushing themselves extra hard, it could really cover anything too.
    reply
  • Hiram

    5 months ago

    Perhaps someone will return the sentment someday,wont you be suprised?
    reply
  • Maggie

    3 months ago

    Great thought. I use it daily since reading it here.
    reply
  • KampanyeDamaiPemilu

    2 months ago

    I love that!! Thanks :)
    reply
  • How Much Should I Weight

    2 months ago

    It´s great when you can learn from the net thaks for sharing this :-)
    reply
  • liliane

    1 month ago

    This is so true and simple and it could change that persons mood and in the meantime you did not react like them ,i am gonna remember that next time i see someone who is rude or mean to someone .....like boedha says be as kind to the others like you want them to be with you.....
    reply
  • China Travel Deals

    1 month ago

    Great post, what you said is really helpful to me. I can't agree with

    you anymore. I have been talking with my friend about, he though it is

    really interesting as well. Keep up with your good work, I would come

    back to you.
    reply
  • China Tour

    1 month ago

    That Sounds interesting, I agree with you.Please keep at your good work, I would come back often.
    reply
  • Brazilian Swimsuits

    1 week ago

    I love this. I personally would rather assume something "else" is bothering them. This certainly keeps me from wondering if it's personally directed toward me.
    reply

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