DISQUS

DanielleLaPorte · 1 year ago

you and my husband should talk about the myriad of things you have in common. Well maybe not talk, just grunt. Oh...never mind....

MoJo · 1 year ago

This is too funny - my husband has on quite a few occasions expressed exactly what you have here. Including the dairy section part. In fact, the other day he vented on some of the things he 'holds in', which ranged from leaving my purse on the living room chair to running water in the kitchen when he's trying to chill in the evenings (to which I replied he could wash the damn dishes right after dinner so that I wasn't disturbing his down time by taking care of chores - the nerve!) Thanks for the honesty Rick...

pearl_mattenson · 1 year ago

thanks for bringing up the running water example. It is so easy to think my husband is unique in his imperfections (that seem directed at driving me crazy, of course) and for some reason it makes it so much more acceptable that there are other guys out there who are imperfect in just the ways he is!

Bill · 1 year ago

From one "evolved" male to another, well said and thanks for saying.

MoJo · 1 year ago

Honey - is that you?!

Bill · 1 year ago

Wouldn't you like to know

Traci · 1 year ago

You two are hilarious!

Alison · 1 year ago

*giggles*

CarrieM · 1 year ago

Brilliantly said Rick. I'm working on aligning my expectations with my hubby, creates way more ease in our lives.

Storyteller · 1 year ago

Rick, I love this article. I think you're right: there are a lot of naggers out there and it is not okay. It's a learned behavior - we heard our mother's do it and feel it's our job to also be the town cryer. Sometimes its just a matter of the woman being the one who does take care of domestic details and this maintenance is endless. But often I think nagging is a way of expressing dissatisfaction with bigger things in a passive aggressive manner - piecemeal revenge, chipping away at his ego bit by bit to gain control, put him down and punish him. This kind of behavior should not ever be tolerated. I see it in my friends sometimes and I call them on the BS, I see it in myself sometimes and stop short, trying to nip it in the bud.

Rick_Juliusson · 1 year ago

It's so hard to see in ourselves. Sometimes I notice our unhealthy communication patterns more when we have guests over - either when one of us says something snippy then I suddenly wonder what our guests are thinking, or when I notice how we're behaving better in company.

I should ask Sarah (also a writer on this website) to do an article about how much I nag. Or maybe not...

I've been braced for a stronger, more negative reaction to this article - maybe it's still to come?

Sarah · 1 year ago

Or perhaps i should simply write an article on his apparent inability to see a stack of dishes needing to be washed or a tub in need of scrubbing.

how is that possible?

right back at ya, honey.

pearl_mattenson · 1 year ago

You both probably know that John Gottmann says that 69% of all tensions in a marriage are perennial. So the issue is not how to make the "problem" go away but to decide how you want to be with each other in the face of it. I don't recall Gottmann ever suggesting communicating via a blog but who knows, I am sure he could learn a few things too!

Traci · 1 year ago

Is it a "man thing" that creates an inability to see dirt? My husband says "I didn't know it was dirty" as often as I say "Why didn't you clean the..." At first I thought he was just making excuses, but I've come to realize he's perfectly serious. I don't get it.

Carolynn · 1 year ago

Listen buddy...!

Just kidding. ;o)

Actually, this was a great post. I think it's sad that any segment of society should feel that they have to hold their tongue and not express a need, desire, frustration, what-have-you. There are ways to do it gently and without rancor.

I used to be a 'my way or the highway' kind of woman. Now, I'm pleased to say, not so much and I'm happier and less stressed. I will make requests or simply inform and let the energy go. I remind myself that there are other ways to approach a 'problem' and that my time line or system of measurement may not apply in every case. It's a relief not to have to be the self-imposed drill sargeant and makes for much smoother relations and creates room for open, honest, discussion without fear of recrimination. If something is really that important to either party, then boundaries and solutions can be discussed that respect both of us.

Rick_Juliusson · 1 year ago

Beautiful, thank you. There is certainly a skill/art in bringing up issues, and on the flip side, a skill/art to full-heart listening while suspending reaction that i'm sure most of us could use alot more coaching and practice with.

ToilingAnt · 1 year ago

I had to chuckle at the yogurt story... on a recent trip to the grocery store, I was in the checkout line with a full cart of items when I realized I had chosen the wrong brand of yogurt. (I too was overwhelmed by the myriad options and finally just grabbed what I thought was a different item.) I sighed and turned to give the offending yogurt back to the cashier when my husband offered to go back to the dairy case and exchange it. I handed it to him, thinking, "Well, it's already the wrong yogurt... what can I lose?" I was mostly worried about him getting back to the checkout before we were completely checked out... I didn't want the others in line glaring at me for holding things up!

Well, not only did he come back in less than a minute, he came back with the exact brand of yogurt that I'd requested. I was astonished, and I still haven't figured out how he pulled it off.

He's a fine man, let me tell ya. :-)

Rick_Juliusson · 1 year ago

Either he's very in tune with you, or very lucky. Can we get him to start a husband's advice column here? I will say that 9.5 years later i'm doing much better with the yoghurt selection

morning gruel · 1 year ago

The reason why I choose to not argue when corrected or questioned by my wife is because I suspect that she is likely right anyway -- and the reason she continues to correct and question is because she KNOWS she's is.

morning gruel · 1 year ago

See? That's what I get for not proofreading before sending... a typo. I'm sure my wife would have told me to proofread... Darn, where is she when I need her?

sarah · 1 year ago

Well, dear morning gruel, you may take pleasure in knowing that rick misspelled our baby's name on the official birth announcement.

Always, always, let us proofread. And yes, we are right. :)
especially when we're pregnant or postpartum.

Krystall · 11 months ago

Wow! I never thought of it that way... My dh's standards are lower than mine when it comes to the home, and he is willing to assist with this - and gets the kids involved too... He does take my standards into consideration, and I respect that if I don't want it done to his standards and it must be done to mine - do it myself... No reason to be disrespectul.... I've learned that some things don't really matter... But since he did drop off the kids to school and get me my 'morning cup of coffee' I'd better get started on breakfast... We've a big day ahead of us.