DISQUS

Kristen · 1 year ago

When I first made the decision to live as if I had 37 days left, honestly, it sounded daring and new, and I felt more alive then I had in a long time. I set to work to make my "bucket list", and then something happened. I felt overcome with emotion, and sadness...a sadness that overwhelmed me. Even though I knew my life would truly not come to an end in 37 days, I started thinking, would I be at peace if it ended tomorrow...or next week? Am I truly living the life I want to be in? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would spend my next 37 days making peace with myself....being gentler to myself, and forgiving ME for all of the self-doubt and unkindness I have placed on my shoulders. And so, for me, the next 34 days will be spent reflecting at some point during the day...more than likely when my last little boy has closed his eyes...and I wonder...how can I have so much kindness for others, and so little for myself?

alligator_kate · 1 year ago

I told a friend about this, and she told me that is how long her mother had, more or less. She told me, with great humor, about how when her mother's test results came in, all of the doctors and technicians at the hospital looked at her chart with wide eyes and kept ushering her into other rooms... "Oh! Come with me..." they kept saying. She was a hot potato. Who was going to have to tell her?

For some reason, this question has really laid me bare. It has come at the right time, I suppose, in the fall, when the leaves are changing for those of us who live in places where leaves do that... I have the impulse to make friends with death, although I am not sure what that means, and even less sure how to do it.

But I am very grateful for this question. I am writing. Much more. Every day, and letting go of what needs releasing... thank you!